I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize