and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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