Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
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Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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