Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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