How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize