this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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