About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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