Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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