Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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