Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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