i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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