I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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