I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
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So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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