There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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