I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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