seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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