She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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