T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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