I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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