Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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