Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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