Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
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Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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