On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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