You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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