This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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