i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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