I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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