I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
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NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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