I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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