I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
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I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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