I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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