I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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