Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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