end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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