Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize