we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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