I haven't been this sober since birth.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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