I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
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It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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