Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
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His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
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Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You need Xanax blowdarts
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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