I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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