oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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