I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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