so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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