WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
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We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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