just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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