I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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