Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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