i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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