She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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