If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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